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I was shocked! I could not believe what my peers where saying! That
week was one of the most eye-opening for me—and not just because I
was at “MK rehab” (as I like to call it).
But, let me a back up a bit. You see, I grew up all my life as a
missionary’s kid (MK). I was not too thrilled to be back in the
States and away from all that I knew as home, but there I was. My
family and I had decided that going to an MK re-entry program would
help transition me from Ecuador back to the U.S. culture—and it did.
I was expecting to learn a lot about the lingo and customs, the food
and habits, the culture and look of Americans and how to fit into it
all. What I didn’t expect was the encounter and lessons I learned
from other MKs like myself. I was shocked to hear that more than
half of these “saintly kids” struggled with suicide and hatred
towards missions, towards their parents and even towards God. How
could this be? I loved Ecuador, I loved God, I loved the ministry,
and I loved my family. Why would we, who could relate to each
other’s experiences so well, have such different viewpoints on life,
ministry and God?
As it is with most questions, the answers are found with an attentive
ear. What did all those kids who hated the ministry to which their
parents had given their lives have in common? They had been
sacrificed--abandoned. Oh, their parents loved them and would not have
classified sending their kids to boarding schools at the tender age of
five or being engulfed with ministry as abandonment, but I believe it
was. Please, don’t get me wrong, my heart goes out to the parents as
well. I imagine that for most, leaving their kids to sitters or schools
was the hardest thing they ever sacrificed for God. I would guess their
hearts were in the right place as they devoted their lives to teaching
and serving others. However, sincerity of heart will not, in most cases,
seem justifiable to those sacrificed. Some have discovered, too late,
that all along they were sacrificing the wrong things.
Sacrificing the wrong things applies not only to missionaries, but also
to pastors, teachers, youth ministers, children’s ministers and all
those in ministry with family. It’s easy to condemn corporate fathers
for their obsession with work at expense of their families, but it is
unthinkable to question those whose “work” involves devoting their lives
to service to God. Yet, the results are the same. Many times, we forget
God instituted the family before He instituted anything else. That means
family came right after man's relationship with God, before work and
even before the church. Some, of course, may point to the fact that
Christ said, “if anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and
mother, his wife and children…and even his own life—he cannot be my
disciple” (Lk. 14:26). However, the parallel passage in Mt. 10:37 makes
it clear that, taken in context, this passage is dealing with the issues
of putting Christ first.
The question then becomes, what does putting Christ first look like? It
looks like we forsake ourselves in pursuit of doing His will—living out
the principles He set forth in Scripture. If we look at the OT, we can
see how God placed an emphasis on taking care of family. Exemplifying
this is His command to the Israelites that a newly wed man was to devote
his first year to his wife.
Next, we could turn to Christ on the cross, and in the midst of His
agony, taking the laborious breaths to insure the well-being of His
mother. Or even more convincing is a look at Paul’s strong words to
Timothy, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially
for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an
unbeliever” (I Tim. 5:8).
The Bible not only makes it clear that parents have a responsibility to
their children, but it also places a strong—maybe even stronger—emphasis
on the relationships between husbands and wives. They may also sacrifice
each other at times. The high divorce rate among ministers makes this
evident. Christians are prone to letting ministry to others get in the
way of their responsibility and ministry to family. We must realize the
importance of family. Paul, in describing what an elder should be,
refers to an elder’s family to define his qualification to lead the
church. Failure to lead their family disqualifies them from any other
leadership! If they cannot lead those whom they should know best, why
should they attempt to lead those they know even less?
Despite the Bible’s emphasis on family, Christians have a tendency to
honor those ministers who consume themselves with “ministry” and applaud
those who would sacrifice their family for it. Several years ago, I read
a book called From Jerusalem to Iran Jaya. It was the history of
the spread of the Gospel throughout the world. It retold the lives of
missionaries showing the good and bad of these God-fearing men and
women. None were perfect. Among the many traits the book there was one
that could be praised by some and condemned by others—that of
sacrificing their families for their ministries. While these men and
women were praised, what has been forgotten is that their ministry was
first and foremost to their family. The families of these "heroes of the
faith" suffered greatly. For example, William Carey's wife was described
by their friends as having gone mad. David Livingston in his own words
"orphanized his children.” On top of this, his wife "lapsed into
spiritual darkness." And on and on the story goes. Surely, this is not
God's desire or design. Surely, His heart breaks for those being
hurt—being sacrificed, especially when it’s done in His name.
When parents in ministry invest in their families, their ministries will
glorify God more. A family that has been sacrificed will not promote the
work, but time invested in ministering to one’s own family has the
possibility of increasing the crop many times over. On the one hand, a
Godly, healthy family is a strong testimony to those in the church and
the world. This world lacks and longs for examples of such a family in
this tattered world. Not only is a healthy family one that sets the
stage and gives credibility to the Gospel, but a healthy family will
also produce posterity to carry out the work. In other words, time
invested in family is time invested in the future. Those MKs that
forsook their parents’ faith did not contribute to the spread of the
Word, but those that fell in love with the mission, whose parents had
passed on their love for the Lord, for the people, and for the call, are
now either supporting missions, encouraging others to go or have even
accepted the call themselves. Their parents can pass the baton to them.
This is true of my life. My father once said that the real test of his
parenting was not if we followed Christ, but if his grandchildren and
great grandchildren did. He was called to the field and like most has
struggled with balancing ministry to others and his ministry to family,
but he worked at it. I loved the mission field even though ministry took
so much of my father's time. In the later years of my life in Ecuador,
my father made a real effort to be involved in the lives of his
children. He involved us in his ministry by taking us calling, to
studies, and sharing with us some of what was going on. He made an
effort to teach the discipleship groups we were in and tried to set
aside a day in which we could have a “date” with him. My mother poured
herself into teaching and raising us. She did her best to protect us and
guide us as we grew and adjusted. All of my parents’ efforts have paid
off. My husband and I are preparing to go to the mission field, and my
brother and sister-in-law are honoring God with their lives as well.
So many MKs I have known, who've been sent to boarding schools,
sacrificed for their parent's ministries, have left the field embittered
towards all that would be called Christian. The same applies to those
whose parents minister in local congregations here in the U.S. The
ministry is one of the greatest yet toughest calls to answer. It
requires so much, but the rewards are innumerable. In the same vein,
balancing ministry according to God’s heart is tough, but how much
better is it when a Godly man finds that devoting himself to family and
then ministry reaps not only a fruitful ministry but also posterity to
carry it forth?
-Jennifer Waldren
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